watched this for about seven minutes on loop last night

xx

Updated: Aug 26

I wish there was a word for the wind that whips through just before a downpour. The warning wind, perhaps we could call it. (Like everything on this planet, there's a reason for it.)


The warning wind hits different depending on where you are. If you're inside and watching your neighbors sprint down the block, perhaps it feels mischevious. On the streets, it could be an ominous or foreboding force. But if you feel like getting caught in the storm, maybe the warning wind is exciting — an indicator that things are about to change.

Since I started writing this, the skies have opened up. Heavy like storms tend to be in the summer. Most of the people on the sidewalk already have their umbrellas out. I'm always impressed by how many people carry umbrellas. I've never been one of them. No particular reason. Only forgetfulness — and a desire to keep myself as light as possible. A desire that only pertains to my physicality, almost never my writing.


I tend to write about feeeeeeeelings. Heavy ones, particularly. I get caught up in them and the Instagram-Therapist assertion that they are "valid." In my early 20s, I became obsessed with the ~science~ behind physical manifestations of emotion. (I don't have hobbies. I have topics I obsess over.) I think perhaps I felt that symptoms like hip tension or migraines or an upset stomach were more tangible than sorrow or anxiety. Like I would be able to prove the intensity of my internal reactions through something like pain in my shoulder.

But I suppose it doesn't really matter. Emotions, thoughts, obsessions. None of it stays.


Already, quick like a summer thunderstorm, the summer thunderstorm is rolling out. Since it came, since it poured, I don't feel any different. The warning wind told of change but it was only temporary. The sidewalks are slick. The people on the streets are drenched. Some look elated, some look pissed off. In an hour, everything will be dry. I don't know why I'm writing this.

xx

I wanted to complain about the heat today. But the temperature's dropped off and the breezes coming through my apartment are TKTKTK.


Do you know that trick?


I use "TKTKTK" to construct an air of TKTKTK. It's a placeholder. The letters signal that the perfect word will come to me eventually and I better not break my flow. I'll come back to it. Working in a newsroom taught me about the momentum of writing, how no single word is worth sacrificing flow. When I reread what I've written, "TKTKTK" may become clear. The word I couldn't grab might suddenly present itself. It might not. Sometimes what I'm trying to get at is unclear to me.


There's that worn-out Joan Didion quote about writing "to find out what I'm thinking" or whatever. It's a good quote but 50 years and millions of repetitions later, it almost ceases to mean anything. I hate how Didion's been repeated. I hate that I hate that. If I was really such a big fan, wouldn't I want the words (the wisdom) spread far?


I have these damn elitist thoughts like — Can a thought remain perfect once it's been diluted (repeated and disseminated)? Is something perfect only because it's pure? (Do you equate strength with intensity, too?) If I was having this conversation IRL with my mother (Hi, Mom!), she'd probably mention something about the "lowest common denominator," about how a thought/principle/value's value is somehow linked to its LCD appeal.


I guess if we're going a "Death of the Author" route (I'm sorry. Ugh, punch me if you don't know the reference.), then the audience's engagement does speak to the work's value. That it is not Didion herself which makes the thought worthwhile but how people engage with it. But I don't fuckin' know. That seems like a slippery slope for valuing education more than life experience or natural intelligence. I don't know if one is worth more than others. I just know that the three things tend to get convoluted and IMO it's rare (rare! rare! rare!) to meet someone with all three. Almost like that venn diagram meme "no one has all three".


I wanted to find a way to weave "TKTKTK" back into this post before ending but no natural tie-in is coming to mind. Perhaps when I read this back to myself, I'll TKTKTK...


Anyways, here are the vibes for the day (found, not owned):





















Sayonara, suckers xx


© 2020 by Cailey Rizzo