September 20

It's been almost a year since last I posted here. Typical.


Every time I attempt any sort of blog, it's only a matter of months (usually weeks) until it falls.


With this sort of noncommital attitude, I don't know how I wrote a book. Honestly, I don't. Now, facing down the Word Doc of my second attempt at a novel, I am in disbelief of the fact that I've already written one.


It's like — I know the mechanics of how this is done. I know what I'm supposed to be doing. But this time, I lack the "well, even if this fails, at least I've written a book" mentality that propelled me through the first. Although that mindset can set you on some wonderful paths, I wonder how far it can actually take you.



About 10 years ago, when I was set loose into adulthood, I wanted only to live and live and live — with no regard for the sort of life that I was living. Convinced that the measure of a life was its concentration, I aimed to live years in what other people measured as weeks. (Amphetamines tended to help with that.)


But eventually, appetites sate or change. And what I used to crave no longer satisfies me.


Just as Life Itself doesn't seem to be enough of a guiding life principle anymore, Creativity doesn't seem enough of a reason to create these days.


I'm questioning stories, character, morals. And my writing process is going through some pretty intense scrutiny, too.*


This way of being has made me boring at parties. I will say that much. I tend to wander away from the dance floor before midnight and end up in a Chinese restaurant, chatting with waiters while I wait for dumplings that I'll eat in bed. I don't miss the nights of staying out until 8 a.m. But I am eager to see what will replace them. These nights of takeout and writer's block are liminal. That much I know.


The current moment feels like the existential equivalent of not a girl, not yet a woman. And in that spirit (and in the style of Instagram photo dumps), here's what's been, uh, floating around my mind as summer turns...



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"do not be afraid to disappear"

"cynicism isn't wisdom, it's a lazy way to say that you've been hurt"

*it's not a blog post without a dad joke, right?